Officious Organ of the Frostbite Falls Chapter, Polish Racing Drivers of America  

Volume 1, Number 1

Veni, Vidi, Vexi -- We came, we saw, we irritated the authorities

Charging that the name was misleading to his clients, Spence filed the suit in the Iron Range County Courthouse and Pool Hall in downtown Frostbite Falls. Later, over a fried lutefisk burger at Dick's Bar in Hudson, Wisconsin, he spoke with reporters.

"With any luck, I can make enough money to buy a new fringed jacket, because this one is a little worn," Spence said. "Things have been slow since I turned down that O.J. gig. And maybe I can get some training for my pet dog to get him off my head. He jumped up there in 1989 and won't get off."

Spence said that he took the case because of personal experience with using an Easy Out after over-torquing the head bolts of the local district attorney and snapping them off during the trial of the Iron Range 3. The famous group was tried for

"I mean, who the heck named them easy outs, anyway," Spence said. " They won't work unless you break a bit, go to the hardware store, discover they're out of the right size, go to another hardware store, buy the right size, have the drill bit slide off the pointed top of the broken bolt 28 times and severely ding up the area round the bolt hole, get the bit to bite a little off-center and drill at a poor angle into the bolt, strip out the drilled hole when the easy-out slips, drill a larger hole that causes more damage to the threads, have the remains of the bolt disintegrate and fall out of the hole except for one large stubborn chunk,use a bigger bit to drill out the totally destroyed hole, go to the hardware store to buy tap and die set, tap the hole for a new bolt, realize you forgot to buy a new bolt, go to hardware store for new bolt, find out you tapped for metric and bought an English bolt, go

FFC hired gun Gerry Spence will lead the suit against the Easy Out Company so he can have his pet dog removed from his head. "Johnnie Cochran never has a damned dog on his head and it makes me look bad in comparison. Heck, Larry King won't have me on his show anymore because he said the dog hair makes him sneeze."

back to hardware store, discover they don't carry metric bolts, go to 11 other stores until you find right bolt, get speeding ticket on way home, find that bolt fits perfectly, over-torque bolt and twist it off, pour gasoline over vehicle and self, and strike a match.

"And that's just on the first afternoon."

Spence hiring rekindles memories for Iron Range 3; most still pissed

"I was in the courtroom. Where the hell do you think I'd be? Why kind of feces-for-brains question is that?" Rubin said eloquently.

"It was all that damned Tirebiter's idea," said fellow IR3 member Jerry Hoffman. "He said that if we just stuck these frozen eel pouts down our pants legs we could later turn them in for the big prize. Great planning.

"Turned out the prize was for the biggest northern pike."

Hoffman said that hiring Spence to defend them was Tirebiter's idea, too.

"Spence didn't take a fee, but all he did was hang out with the judge. They'd whisper to each other, look at us, then giggle."

Eventually, the trio was acquitted of the charges against them, but the judge sentenced them to continue live out the rest of their lives as dumbasses.

Inside this issue of Vexis

BCCS Home            Frostbite Falls Chapter Home       Vexis  Index