Officious Organ of the Frostbite Falls Chapter, Polish Racing Drivers of America |
Volume 25, Number 691 |
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Veni, Vidi, Vexi -- We came, we saw, we irritated the authorities |
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Officious Organ of the Frostbite Falls Chapter, Polish Racing Drivers of America |
Volume 25, Number 691 |
|
|
Veni, Vidi, Vexi -- We came, we saw, we irritated the authorities |
|
Hostile takeover suffers
setback
Headaches, nausea, GIs force troops to call in sick
The Frostbite Falls Chapter hostile takeover of the Real Beer Page hit the skids at the gates of Pilsville yesterday when most of the Koveleski Battalion called in sick. After having liberated a St. Paul, Minnesota, Summit Pale Ale truck the night before, the troops were struck down the next morning by a mysterious ailment. A medical officer described the illness as headaches coupled with nausea and diarrhea. "I hate to say this, but I suspect the Real Beerites of conducting biological warfare," said FFC general secretary George Tirebiter. "How else could this inexplicable event be explicable?" |
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| FFC troops had made good progress earlier in the day after
overcoming a Beerite flatulence barrage fueled by a lethal combination of skunky Budweiser
and guacamole salad. But the first sign of trouble came when Beerite forces stopped an
attack by motorized stealth hay bales by cleverly setting them ablaze. Hay bale crews,
despite having captured the Pale Ale truck a short time before, did not have enough
resources to douse the flames because, said a source, the takeover force suffers from a
chronic shortage of openers. According to Tirebiter, FFC headquarters has stepped-up opener production and ordered a special Soused Regiment to support the stealth hay bales the next time they go into action. "We're going to fight fire with, uh, well, let's just say we're going with one of our strengths," Tirebiter said. |
 A Real Beer truck driver taken prisoner during the hostile takeover toasted his liberators with a hearty "Up yours with a rubber hose!" |
Meanwhile, the captured beer truck driver expressed unmitigated joy over his liberation. "Kiss off!" he told interrogators in his colorful dialect. Later, he demonstrated the new fangled twist off cap on the Summit bottles to his astonished FFC captors. "Man, you don't even need a church key," Tirebiter said. "If we'd known this we might've saved some of our stealthy bales. This is quite an advance." "And they don't ever have to worry about biting off the cap if they lose a damned opener," added a gap-toothed FFC veteran. |
| Inside this issue of Vexis |
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