Vexis

Officious Organ of the Frostbite Falls Chapter, Polish Racing Drivers of America	Volume 22, Number 675

Veni, Vidi, Vexi -- We came, we saw, we irritated the authorities

Frostbite Falls Chapter launches hostile takeover of Real Beer Page!
We were thirsty, says FFC propaganda stooge

The Frostbite Falls Chapter launched a surprise pre-noon hostile takeover of the The Real Beer Page today. News from the front was sketchy, but an FFC stooge told a group of media hacks that crack airborne, land and sea units rolled into Real Beer territory and found little opposition. Progress was slowed, however, because of repeated flat tires from running over broken bottles.

The stooge/press secretary, Mike McCurry, said that although he knew nothing of the assault until questioned by reporters, hadn’t talked to anyone in authority about it and was profoundly out of the loop, he was nonetheless confident the assault was "a justifiable and appropriate response to external provocations. If that wasn’t it, then I guess we were just thirsty."

Frostbite Falls Chapter navy seals, under the command of Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura, left, prepare to assault the Pilsville beachhead this morning.

Asked how he could make such a statement without having discussed the day’s events with anyone who actually knew what was going on, Curry replied, "It’s easy. They pay me to say things like that. Don't you know how this town works?"

Later, a source code-named Pond Scum distributed a tape she had secretly recorded during a conversation with an alleged friend who formerly worked in the office of FFC General Secretary George Tirebiter.

The friend told Pond Scum that Tirebiter had been quietly planning a takeover of the Real Beer Page for some time.

She quoted Tirebiter as saying:

"We thought about reasoning with them, but who has time for that nonsense? Heck, did Nixon reason with the Watergate Committee? We thought about buying them out, but we spent all our money on pinball. Someone suggested green mail, but we didn’t have any stamps. Then it hit us--a hostile takeover. That’s right down our alley. And it means all those years of maintaining a heavy weapons battalion instead of buying medicine for our sick moms will finally pay off. By the way, that's a nice dress you're wearing. Blue really sets off your eyes."

The friend said the FFC launched its attack at the crack of 11:45 a.m. following breakfast at Denny's and a barrage of legaleze fired from a massed cadre of attorneys recently laid off from the Bill Clinton Defense Corps. The takeover force’s first objective was to free several cases of Leinenkugal Bock longnecks thought to be held hostage by three Beerite webmasters in the paddock of Road America racetrack in Wisconsin. They were too late, though.

"All they found were six cases of empties," the soon-to-be-former friend said. "My gawd, there were bottle caps everywhere! It was sobering, so to speak. Now they knew they were up against a dedicated, resourceful enemy. And one with a carbon fiber bladder."

There was no immediate response from the Real Beer pagan lackeys.

A unit of the crack Koveleski Mechanized Infantry Battalion roars across the Real Beer frontier.