Chapter commandos forced to abandon offensive & go to laundromat, take showers

Commandos of the 13th Niemcek Assault Group abandoned their spring offensive against the Real Beer Page Thursday after failing to cross the Swamp of Yellow Peril outside of Aletown.

The troops were immediately shipped to a rest area near New Ulm, Minnesota, so they could use the laundromat and take showers.

"Man, that was some foul stuff," said commando commander Commander Cody. "We're still analyzing it, but we suspect it was skunky Budweiser mixed with some secret Beerite ingredient. And we have a pretty good idea what that secret ingredient was, the heathens."

The next assault won't happen until troops are issued hip waders, Cody said.

In other hostile takeover news, rumors abound that an airborne assault is being planned for the next issue of Vexis. General Secretary George Tirebiter would not confirm or deny the reports, except to say that he would not confirm or deny the reports.

"Coming to a smoking halt at a corner station near you," says Tirebiter

For the first time in its 28-year history, the Frostbite Falls Chapter of the Polish Racing Drivers of America will sponsor a race car, FFC General Secretary George Tirebiter said today.

The car, a C Sports Racer, will be driven in Sports Car Club of America races during the summer of 1999 by FFC Minister of Propaganda John Mikes.

The schedule is contingent on Mikes ". . . getting off his duff and getting the car ready," Tirebiter said. "He spent the winter watching teevee and drinking beer instead of building a new body for the car."

Mikes could not be roused for a rebuttal but his spousal unit Mary said,"Yeah, that's pretty much what he did, that and take naps with the cats."

The car is expected  to debut at Brainerd International Raceway Memorial Day weekend.