Or how the stupid can abuse employees in 40 easy lessons

 

I used to work at a cube farm polluted by abusive managers and a couple of talentless co-workers working overtime to make life miserable for the rest of the staff. It was a mean spirited and bizarre place. We called it, among other things, the Office of Psychotic Reactions.

The organization had important goals, but they were seldom reached because of spectacularly inept management. These graduates of the School of Immorality As A Lifestyle had two major managerial strengths: 1) they micro-managed and 2) they were afraid to make decisions. Mix in personal attributes of stupidity and vindictiveness and you get an organization eligible for Dante's managerial hall of fame.

The managers were paranoid of anyone who was not like them, which meant most of the staff. They attacked these staffers insistently. Their ineptitude was increased by suck-up employees who feared being eclipsed by other staffers with superior skills and who played to the managers' paranoia. Together, they encouraged backstabbing and skillfully sowed dissension among the staff. Whispering campaigns were a standard administrative tool. Paralysis by analysis was a way of life. Harassment was the norm. Eventually, most of the staff was driven away by the craziness before the joint was finally closed down and its duties sent elsewhere. Nothing, of course, was ever done about the management, despite the evidence of their abusive behavior. In fact, the behavior of those with the power to discipline the abusers was, if anything, even more unethical.

Anyway, I found some relics of that wretched time while cleaning out old files. These top 10 lists compiled by the staff should give you an idea of what it was like to work at the Office of Psychotic Reactions. Staff survivors will immediately recognize the environment that inspired the lists. Except maybe the talentless drones who allied themselves with the paranoid managers. Hard to know what they see in their own squalid universes.


Top 10 things management will do to whip the staff into line at the Office of Psychotic Reactions

10. Micro-manage.
9. Intimidate staff at performance review time.
8. Demonstrate disrespect for staff skills whenever possible.
7. Choose obvious favorites among staff members.
6. Create distrust among staff by saying "Several people have told me . . . "
5. Attack staff members when they are emotionally weakest.
4. Fabricate charges of insubordination.
3. Keep staff wondering what project will be abandoned next.
2. Redefine staff roles in projects without explanation.
1. Control, control, control.


Top 10 things we'd rather do before coming to work at the Office of Psychotic Reactions

10. Take wrong turn into T Rex compound at Jurassic Park.
9. Have Dr. Kervorkian treat us for head colds.
8. Knock over a Harley outside Killer's Bar in Oakland.
7. Get job on sweep-up crew at Chernobyl.
6. Begin career as crash test dummy.
5. Have affair with Lorena Bobbitt.
4. Sleep over at Michael Jackson's house.
3. Take leisurely afternoon stroll through Sarajevo.
2. Stick needles in our eyes.
1. Find a job where we're treated with respect.


Top 10 things that will be done to improve morale at the Office of Psychotic Reactions

10. Trash cans emptied daily.
9. Coat hangars provided to staff at no charge.
8. Building heated in winter, cooled in summer.
7. Elevators will run 24-hours-a-day.
6. Free Pencils!!
5. A telephone on every desk.
4. Daylight savings time observed.
3. Post-It Notes available in festive colors.
2. Did we mention the free pencils?
1. Nothing.


Top 10 things that will happen before we're treated with respect at the Office of Psychotic Reactions

10. National Rifle Association will seek to ban handguns.
9. Nixon will tell nation "I'm sorry about Vietnam."
8. Liberace will form heavy metal rock band with Alice Cooper.
7. Arnold Scwarzneggar will win Best Actor Oscar.
6. National Association of Women will elect Phyllis Schaffley president.
5. Rush Limbaugh will confess to voting for George McGovern.
4. The Beatles will have a reunion.
3. Donald Trump will give away his belongings and become a Buddhist monk.
2. President Clinton will hire Jennifer Flowers as a Special Assistant.
1. Monkeys will fly.

© Copyright 1998, Backstretch Careening and Carousing Society 

 
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